I wore a suit and tie on the day of my verdict. You dress for court the way you dress for church. You want the judge to see who you really are.
In my early twenties I got sick with what I now know is bipolar type 1, and some stuff happened. It took two years to get to court. By then I was well, taking my medicine and working with little kids at a school. The verdict was not guilty by reason of unsoundness of mind. Then the judge said his hands were tied. I was to be detained at the Governor's Pleasure.
Then they took my tie off me.
It's a small thing, but I remember it. One minute you're a young man in a suit, and the next someone's sliding the tie off your neck so you can't hurt yourself with it. That's when it lands. You're not going home.
They took me down to the bottom of the court and put me in a holding cell. A tiny little room, with about ten other guys in it.
I'm six foot two and about 120 kilos, so I'm not a small bloke. But not long after I got there, a massive guy walked in. Serbian or something, I think. Huge. And the funny thing is, his presence felt quite safe. I can't really explain it. He just didn't seem like someone who was going to let things get out of hand.
The one who was aggressive to me was a short bald guy. Lots of bark but no body. He had a go at me and I let it wash over me.
There's no clock in a holding cell. Every now and then someone would yell out, "Guard, what's the time?" and a guard would yell a time back. It was a different random time every time. Nobody believed it.
Then the food came. Not a meal each. One box of sandwiches cut into quarters, for all of us. And one apple.
One apple, ten men.
I honestly think some of what they do in the court system is provocative. Put ten stressed blokes in a tiny room and hand them one apple, and you'd expect a fight.
That's not what happened. The sandwiches went round and everybody took one. Then the big guy took a bite of the apple and passed it to me. I took a bite and passed it to the next guy. It went all the way round the room like that.
In the weirdest way, there was a common camaraderie in that cell. Every one of us was having one of the worst days of our lives, and for a minute, we were sharing.
And this is the part I've never been able to shake. I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking to myself, I should be going crazy right now. I'd just been locked up indefinitely for getting sick. I didn't know when I'd get out. I didn't know where they were taking me.
But I felt peace. I felt okay. I wasn't going out of my mind.
Maybe it was adrenaline. I don't know. But I've had times like that in my life, where I've felt peace in a place where I had no right to feel peace. And I think for me, that was God with me.
People sometimes ask me where God was in all of it. I don't have a tidy answer. But I know he was in that cell. He was in a bitten apple handed to me by a stranger.
Later that day they put me in a paddy wagon. As soon as I got in, I asked where we were going. I didn't want to end up in a maximum security prison. I don't think they answered me.
What happened when the doors opened at the other end, I'll tell you next time.
If you're struggling right now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In an emergency call 000.
